Hot hatch roid rage: who is the boss of the banned substance brigade?

If you're wondering what roid rage is, let me explain. Tough guys, the muscle maniacs that wear shirts four sizes too small so their bulges just about tear the seams, always seem to be looking for a fight or some small fry that needs a head lock.

That's exactly what these cars are about, bullying small boys into submission. Each one has a distinctly different body kit to make it look like the steroids have been injected and are taking full effect.

Here's the point though, all of these cars cost around R330 000 and will reach 100km/h from zero in under eight seconds. So which one is the biggest bully?

Version VI

Always the most anticipated new hot hatch when launch time comes around, the GTI has legendary status and the Golf V deserved every bit of the praise heaped upon it.

The new model has some big shoes to fill. It gets an extra eight kilowatts, up to 155kW, while torque remains the same at 280Nm. You won't notice it though.

The the DSG transmission will even let you shift down into the red line. The Golf VI does everything right, just like the previous generation did, you can't fault much on it, but it just doesn't inspire, the drive isn't engaging enough.

There is not much to differentiate it from a standard model either. VW haven't gone as far to make it different and all you get is a red stripe at the front, some red stitching in the inside and a diffuser at the back. It's too similar to the standard Golf VI to make it feel special enough to spend this kind of money on.

REX On

Subaru took a lot of flack for the hatch it delivered, which wasn't well-received by many, so the sedan has made a reappearance is much better. That isn't the only change it has made. The WRX has more power, 26kW and 23Nm to be exact.

This does give the Scooby a lot more punch and the all-wheel-drive system keeps all that power going in the right direction. The Subaru scores big muscle points in the flat-four growl that makes you feel tough even when you're just rumbling at idle at a set of traffic lights. Sounds like a good recipe doesn't it?

The cabin changes our view. Subaru makes ugly interiors. It's bland and wouldn't look out of place on an '87 Corolla - it needs to be better. They've fitted it with a DVD player and Garmin GPS but the display looks tacky and cheap, like the three dials you get.

Ergonomically, it's a bit weird, I moved the seat all the way down, and then raised the steering wheel as high as possible but as my feet shuffled about the pedals I kept banging my knees on the steering wheel.

Migraine F1

There's something about getting into the driving position of the Megane F1, it's like going into the Matrix, you get into the seat, they plug you in and all of a sudden you can use the force to drive.

It's involving, like the GTI should be; the machine becomes an extension of the mind and inspires confidence like no other. Getting used to the limited slip differential is the only thing you have to think hard about, if you power on through a turn it wants to continue turning in, so if you like to let the steering wheel slip through your fingers as you straighten out it won’t, you need to make that input.

It does work beautifully once you figure that out. Others complain about a harsh ride, but if you're a tough guy you're hardly going to complain about a sore bum. The F1 is also instantly recognisable with the front fog lights, extra spoiler kits, the bigger wheels and the twin pipes rearing out of the centre.

TEh cabin though is another let down, the renowned Renault grey sweeps across the dashboard and over the radio panels making it everything but a place to pump iron.

It's No Saint

The Focus can best be described as the all rounder, you get the transformer looks with 'bulk' written all over it.

The note from the five-cylinder, turbocharged motor is good and it has bucket loads of torque at 320Nm coming in from a mere 1800rpm. It accelerates fast in just about any gear you stick it in, with a smooth as silk gearbox. It doesn't give the same shove and feel of acceleration of the others so you have to pick your light-to-light races quite carefully.

The Focus has good steering feedback as well as a communicable chassis that will set a time that won't disappoint. My gripe with the ST is that it doesn't excel in any particular fields like the others do, but it's never the worst in any either, like I said, an all-rounder.

Finish Line

R330k for a car is a lot of money; you want something that's going to keep you happy for a while, not a flash in the pan. The best way to put it is like this: If you're a VW fan, not much is going to deter you from the new GTI, it won’t make you stand out in a crowd and expect to find yourself parked next to a few in shopping centres, it has no exclusivity but is a great car in every aspect.

The WRX is a different story, it's noticeable, awesome sound and the new sedan is a better looker, but for R350 000 I want something to look finished inside the cabin.

The Megane is for the track boy, the one who wants to set the fastest lap and get close to the perfect road car racer. ST has it all but not individually, looks like flexed bicep and bounces down the road like a set of raucously gymed pecks, but you're not going to win anything. So which one are you?